Update 1

I haven't been on here forever and in short terms life has been... well the only word that comes to mind is "trying." I am an optimist but sometimes I think God sends us storms to remind us... remind us to pray... to remember to be grateful... to be optimisitc... to be well just better!





For all those who didn't know, (because for a while there I had a blog about being pregnant) I lost the baby about June 16, I was 10 weeks along... It has been the most (not to sound dramatic) heartbreaking experience of my life. But it has made me so grateful for my dear family and friends who reached out to me. It is still one of the biggest struggles of my life and I am slowly and sometimes not so patiently waiting until I am pregnant again and in then end have my baby to hold in my arms. I don't think losing the baby would have been so hard but the fact it took us so long to get pregnant, and then once we were pregnant my doctor was fairly confident we could be having twins, and then to have all that amazing excitement and then to have it all gone in about a week and half's time, made it hurt more than I ever knew possible.

These were flowers that I received... All of them were complete surprises and in a really wierd way (I'm not materialist and don't expect gifts), but in a wierd way these flowers helped heal the first little bit of my loss... all the these beautiful flowers were from women dear to me in life who had once upon a time if not more than once lost one of their own babies, even one of them being a dear sister of mine. It still continues to be a trial but I know that God had a reason and that one day I'll get to see this beautiful baby that I haven't seen since before I came to this earth... I guess the beauty of the trial is it has made me have to find my beliefs about it all. My personal belief now is that a baby's heart beat is developed at 6 six weeks, and well if the baby has a heart beat then it is "the breath of life." I feel that at 10 weeks my baby had received the body (I can't bring myself to use the word "it" hear because I don't feel the baby is and it, and since I never knew the gender I'll settle with the term "they") they needed and that it was all they needed to do in this life...

All in all it has been a trial and sometimes I wish it would have never happened but I know that God has a beautiful plan, and one day I will get to hold in my arms a beautiful baby of mine and Adam's...