Update 1

I haven't been on here forever and in short terms life has been... well the only word that comes to mind is "trying." I am an optimist but sometimes I think God sends us storms to remind us... remind us to pray... to remember to be grateful... to be optimisitc... to be well just better!





For all those who didn't know, (because for a while there I had a blog about being pregnant) I lost the baby about June 16, I was 10 weeks along... It has been the most (not to sound dramatic) heartbreaking experience of my life. But it has made me so grateful for my dear family and friends who reached out to me. It is still one of the biggest struggles of my life and I am slowly and sometimes not so patiently waiting until I am pregnant again and in then end have my baby to hold in my arms. I don't think losing the baby would have been so hard but the fact it took us so long to get pregnant, and then once we were pregnant my doctor was fairly confident we could be having twins, and then to have all that amazing excitement and then to have it all gone in about a week and half's time, made it hurt more than I ever knew possible.

These were flowers that I received... All of them were complete surprises and in a really wierd way (I'm not materialist and don't expect gifts), but in a wierd way these flowers helped heal the first little bit of my loss... all the these beautiful flowers were from women dear to me in life who had once upon a time if not more than once lost one of their own babies, even one of them being a dear sister of mine. It still continues to be a trial but I know that God had a reason and that one day I'll get to see this beautiful baby that I haven't seen since before I came to this earth... I guess the beauty of the trial is it has made me have to find my beliefs about it all. My personal belief now is that a baby's heart beat is developed at 6 six weeks, and well if the baby has a heart beat then it is "the breath of life." I feel that at 10 weeks my baby had received the body (I can't bring myself to use the word "it" hear because I don't feel the baby is and it, and since I never knew the gender I'll settle with the term "they") they needed and that it was all they needed to do in this life...

All in all it has been a trial and sometimes I wish it would have never happened but I know that God has a beautiful plan, and one day I will get to hold in my arms a beautiful baby of mine and Adam's...

My New Bow...

So I am excited to announce that Adam bought me my first bow and arrows. I intend on hunting with it this fall. I am currently taking the archery class that will allow me to hunt with the bow and I am so excited to learn to shoot it, and be good at it. I thought I would post some pictures of it. So here they are.

It's a Diamond which is a line from Bowtech. It shoots really nice :).

So yes there is my bow and I am hoping and praying that I will be able to get a cow elk with it this fall. I love elk meat TONS more than beef, and it is easier to get an elk permit for bow hunting than it is to get an elk permit for rifle. Only time will tell. I think I will pick up on it pretty quick.

In other good news Adam and I also both got new bikes (I'll post pictures of them another day). I am so excited! We intend on doing a lot of trail riding this summer and even doing a camping trip on them :). Now summer just needs to get here and the snow stop comming.

I need some un-biased opinions... PLEASE HELP!

So in the midts of my wonderful life I have been fighting an awful battle on Adam's side of the family. Last fall I turned my sister-in-law Lydia (Adam's brother's wife) into Child Protective Services (CPS). From the time I came into the family she has been extremly physically and mentally abusive to their only child (daughter) Tayla. Lydia grabs Tayla by fist-fulls of hair and jerks her around, she beats her butt with any available objects, i.e. sticks, arrows, foot, etc. amongst several other forms of what she considers "appropriate discipline." She also calls Tayla a lot of awful names, including but not limited to: Bitch, cow, etc. Now let me inform you that Tayla just barely turned 6, two weeks ago. This has been going on most of her life. From a person who I know is not judgemental to any degree told me recently about a situation where Lydia brought Tayla into their deli and ordered food for herself and proceeded to eat it in front of Tayla. When Tayla cried that she was hungry and wanted some food to, Lydia proceeded to back hand her and tell her to "shut the hell up." So even after turning her into CPS she continues to abuse Tayla.
Well the turning point for me turning Lydia in to CPS came when I was informed by a couple of different people that at the campground where everyone camps during hunting season, Lydia bare-bottomed (pull pants and underwear clear down to atleast her knees) Tayla, and proceeded to beat her butt with a carbon arrow, over and over. All the while Tayla is screaming "Mom stop, you hurting my hand" (she kept putting her hand in front of her butt to try and protect it). Her beating her bottom like she did was because Tayla played in the creek after her mom told her not to. On top of all of this everyone person in the ENTIRE side of Adam's family has and had so much to say about how Lydia treats Tayla, and how she mothers her, etc. Everytime Lydia would call her something nasty or beat her, everyone who have something to say amongst themselve but never actually say anything to Lydia or do something about it.
Well in the midst of turning Lydia in, I told one person who I thought I could really trust about me turning Lydia. This person in turn told another person about what I did. This person turned out to be Lydia's best friend and told her all about how it was me who turned her in. Trying to make a long story short... EVERYONE in the ENTIRE FREAKING FAMILY has nothing to say to Lydia. Lydia went around confronting everyone on whether or not they thought I was right, they all coward back pretended like I was crazy and there was nothing wrong in the way she treats Tayla. Also when it all came out everyone was like "JoAnna, I can't believe you turned her in!" or "Why did you turn her in." or "I don't agree with you, but I'm not taking sides." Now the kicker to the whole situation is that everyone of the people who had something to say about how wrong I was for turning her in, had talked about it time and time again about wrong she is and how she needs help. Now to top it all of I've become everyone's black sheep. But they don't just come out and act like I am. They pretend to be all sweet to my face and then when I turn my back it becomes a "Lets trash on JoAnna" party.
When it all came out that it was me who turned Lydia in I wrote her and e-mail trying to explain my reasoning behind it and that I hoped that we could mend bridges, etc. In return I got a nasty e-mail telling me pretty much that I am the scum of the earth and I have no idea what I am talking about and how I am a liar and all this big line of crap.
Now comes the part where I need your opinion. I've tried letting it die from the day it all happened (last november is when she found and it all started) and I wrote her the e-mail to try and fix it. However, time and time again people in the family take it upon themselves to tell me quote on quote "You need to get over your shit and move on in life." Well the funny thing to that is I don't talk to anyone in th family about it, aside from my husband once in a while when something about it comes up. Also in the midst of all this happening all of our friends and family members say they don't care, etc. However, everyone treats me differently and acts as if though I am a threat to their children. I have been contemplating writing a family and friend wide letter to all those involved because I don't know of any other way to try and fix things. On top of that I found out that my dear sweet sister-in-law Lydia is going around town (still to this present day) to everyone making sure they know her side of the story and showing them the e-mail she wrote me, but not the one I wrote her. I wouldn't be concerned with this too much but it could affect my job where I work with disabled children and adults. All in all I am at a loss with the situation and trying to figure out what to do. If you want a very, honest, and accurate description of Lydia's personality just look up narcissism on google and read the signs and symptom section. I am not joking in any regard. I just want someone who isn't involve in it all to tell me what they think my best options are. If it were up to me and how I feel today I would just as soon drive over to Lydia's house and beat the heck out of her. I know this would do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! but it sure seems like it would make me feel a lot better. I really would appreciate honest opinions on the matter. Thanks.

The Life of Emma Smith

So yesterady I had the amazing opportunity to attend a stake Relief Society activity. It was all about the Prophet Joseph Smith's wife Emma. I just have to say WOW! I feel so ashamed for ever thinking negative of her. I used to judge her so harshly for leaving the church and allowing her children to do so as well. I can not believe how dumb I was about everything.

The way it was set up was there 5 women on the stage, all dressed accordling with the style of the 1800's. They started from the begining of Emma's life and went through to the end of Emma's life. I would most certainly have NOT been up to the task that God required of her.

She lost 5 children, had 8 pregnancies, watched her home be burglarized time and time again. She had to raise all of her children for the most part by herself. The times Joseph was in jail she was forced from her home and had to depend on God's love an protection to provide the food her and her children would need. She had to deal with the mobs and her husband constantly going into hiding. She had to constantly leave her home and possesions.

Then in the ultimate sacrifice she had to feed and house in her own home the men who would be responsible for her husbands death. Having to listen to the messenger come to deliver the news to the guests in her home that "the deed is done" and her husband was dead. She had to deal with the debt incurred by the church because it was all in Joseph's name. She was asked to hand over all of her papers, both church and personal, to the church because it was too hard to decifer what was personal and what was the church's. She chose not to and as a result kept the debt of the church ultimatley resulting in the loss of her home to pay for the debts.

All in all I can not imagine the pain, agony, and suffering her heart had to suffer so that we could be blessed with the church in our lives today. I am so grateful for her amazing strength and the amazing strength she was to our prophet Joseph Smith so he could peform the work of the Lord. I have severe remorse in my heart for ever thinking as harshly of her as I did.

The Blessings of Tuppeware and Organization!

For the past several weeks I have had to re-do a lot of things in life. A major one was re-evaluating Adam's and my diet. I thought this would be fairly easy, yet the more I tried to change our diet the less successful I became. So after living in our house for a year and a half I realized half of my problems was, there was little to zero oragnization in my cupboards or my counter tops. So I began the wonderful feat of trying to reorganize my kitchen cupboards and counter tops.

Well the harder I tried it seemed like I was just making a bigger mess instead of making it neater. So my dear husband and all of his wisdom asked me: "Why don't you just go buy some plastic containers and such? That way you wouldn't have so many odd and end things to try and make fit." So I took his advice and went and bought several, let me empahise SEVERAL plastic containers of varying sizes and began the transfortmation. I only spent about $40 in containers, which may seem like a lot but I would pay that price twice for the peace of mind and organization I have in my kitchen now.

Now I don't have any before pics but below are the after pics. And take my word on it, my cupboards were a combination of several odds and ends place together in no particular order, so if you wanted one thing you would have to pick a shelf and start looking. The other rule I made was that if item "A" that I was pulling out of my cupboard had been in my cupboard more than a year without being touched, I would give it away or throw it away. It was amazing how much junk was in those cupboards that I really didn't need. It also made me more aware about my grocery shopping trips and how useful (unuseful) they really were. So here are the wonderful after pics!


This cupboard is directly to the right of my stove. So I made it my spices, marinades and oil cupboard.
My counter top. I used to just have winco bags sitting on them with all of the dried fruit or fresh fruit in them. But then I bought the containers and it has been so nice. On top of that I finally got a rice cooker and I am hoping it will help make dinner easier to make.


This cupboard is the top half of my big cupboards with most my cans and dried goods in it.

To say the least I have organization in my cupboards and it has made it a lot is easier for me to want to cook dinner. It is still a lot of work getting use to not having the quick and easy options like Rice-A-Roni or any of the other quick and easy dinner options but I know we'll be healthier in the long run for it. Most the time it makes me sick to think of how much MSG and artifical crap we were stuffing into our diet, before it became mandatory that I cut it out. I really do feel lots better not eating any of that artificial junk and surprisingly I am spending less at the grocery store to shop healthy, than I was spending to by that kinda good, preservative filled junk that we ate before. I really think eating healthy is cheaper than not.

What A Week...

So this week has been filled with ALOT of things. It's crazy how we go along day by day doing the same things and then BAM all of a sudden something comes along and ruins our routine. This week has been kind of full of them.
I found out on Wednesday that I have Fibromyalgia. WAHOO! No not really. It's really a hard thing to accept but it really answers a lot of questions for me. I don't fill so insane or crazy anymore. I love my family dearly but, growing up my Dad and brothers would give me so much crap about being a "Whimp" and how I need to suck it up. My body has hurt the majority of my life, things that other people thought nothing of, felt like shoving daggers in my back, legs, or hips. It's a relief to know that it wasn't all in my head. I am not looking to use it as an excuse to not do things in life, but it does provide me with some sanity. It's going to be hard because there's no magical cure and there no quick fix. It's a good thing in a way that its causing me to have to be healthier than I am and to be more fit. I know it was a good thing before this all, but now its crucial. If I don't exercise and stay healthy it could be the being of an awfully painful life. I have to start keeping a food and drink journal and how I felt that day. I have to see what causes the flare ups, what makes things better. It's alot but I know I can do it, it will just take a while.
The other glich in my routine was hearing about a possible job opening for an office job thats coming available in March or April. I am really torn on whether or not to apply. I love the job I have but it's not a stable source of income and I love dearly the children and adults I work with. If I apply for this other job and get it I will be making 3 times more a year than I already am, and it comes with 401 K option and lots of other stuff. It's so hard because I feel so committed to the job I am at but at the same time I crave the stability and routine that the other one would supply me with. I am going to fast and pray about it and see what happens. I sure hope things work out like they are suppose to.
O well, other than all this life is good and I am truly grateful for my wonderful husband the amazing support he is to me through EVERYTHING. God does give us trials to make us better even if it takes forever to see what it did for us. I love life and living and look forward to what the future brings. Hope all is well with everyone else!

Caution

So this blog is going to be about a topic that some may find inapropriate, rude or out of line. This blog is NOT intended to hurt feelings or cause offense, it is purely my take on a topic that has bluntly and intrusively taken a toll on my family in the past year, as well as several years ago, as well as personally. Please don't take offense to reading this.


2007 in really shorts terms was a HELL of a year, and not in a good way. The awful beast that is Satan and his temptation took a devastating blow to our family. I am not going to name names or point fingers I am leaving it general. The awful plague that is molestation hit our family again. In the midst of it all I was brought to remember a pass that I had locked away in my lil closet in my head never to look at it again. Unfortunately I did look at them again and had to come to terms with things in my self. The pass that I thought I had forgotten was that of being molestated different times while growing up. None of it was by family members, but still the same not easy to deal with. Now several people have comments about this topic and several have opinions. This is mine. While discussing the topic with a family member of mine they said in short terms that I am going to be haunted by this the rest of my life, because only 2% of those molested ever really get over it. This really bothered me. At the time of our conversation I had already seen a counselor, discussed the issue with my husband, prayed about it and moved on. Now this might seem unrealistic, but I did. I am a better person for it happening to me and have a more open mind to the situation. In a sick way its been a blessing in my life. The whole 2% statistic really bothered me because, well, what was the atonement for? Wasn't the atonement for us to be forgiven, to forgive others, and for God to have the power heal us regardless of how deep the wound was? I know several people have been molested worse than I was and that some have had to walk roads that only appear in my worse nightmare, but still the same didn't God say that we could overcome ANYTHING with his help?
I don't look at the past for my actions in the now. I don't look at what happened to me as a reason to be mad at God. I don't think of any of it as an opportunity to hold a grudge. One of the people who molested me growing I feel awful for. I would take a hundred times what they did to me than to take what they had to deal with in their life. I forgive those who did things to me and move forward in life. This isn't to say that I turn a blind eye now and ignore the topic. Its just that I no longer let what happened to me be a burden in life. If what happened to me can be a blessing or a learning experience to just ONE person in my life, well it was all worth the billions of tears I cried, the medications I took to help me deal (when I thought that's what I needed), the irrational thoughts, and the strain it put on my marriage and other family relationships. I just think that regardless of what may have happened to any of us and how steep the mountain may appear or how impossible it may seem.... that God wouldn't let these things happen to us if he wasn't going to provide us a way to heal from them.